Also, thanks to Tom and Cathy for the Lloyd Cole info. I will seek out the recommended discs as soon as I’m allowed to buy CDs again. After the extravagance of the “I still can’t believe I bought that” Richard Thompson box, I’ve been very frugal about CD purchases. This is a good thing; it would be a much better one if I weren’t spending my usual CD budget on knitting stuff and shoes.

And Marcia, I am keeping half an eye on library jobs, just in case. I almost applied for one at a local library here (and may yet, though I’m due for a raise next month, and the idea of cutting my salary almost exactly in half sounds much more appealing in theory than it does when I have the application in hand ready to mail), because it was the first non-senior-level job in a cataloging department that I’ve seen advertised since I left school, or at least the first one in a place that I would consider living. (Utah, I’m afraid, is not on my very short list of places I’m willing to live, delightful though it would be to be near you and James.)

And I certainly understand about missing Minneapolis – I was just up there over the weekend and while the trip was wonderful, the leaving was not so much. Chris & I are moving back up there in 2 years. 2 years is going to be a long time.

And I also understand about crises of confidence. I’m sure you are doing better than you think you are, as that is always the case with me. Give it time, you will pick it up.

There’s an opening for a librarian where James works, if you’d like to move even farther away from anything you’d recognize as civilization. Ha! I have to say, it’s a nice place to work with excellent pay and benefits, in spite of being in BFE, Utah. I’m actually kind of worried about his prospects of finding anything as good when he’s ready to move on.

Marcia and Jamie are certainly right (duh!). I have no doubt that you are doing marvelous work and are doing much better than you think you are. It’s the blessing and the curse of having high expectations for yourself — I know four people in my household just like that. It sounds like you have a job that recognizes how capable and valuable you are, at least for the most part, which is also a nice thing.

As for Lloyd Cole, I would highly recommend the final Commotions record, “Mainstream,” which is far more solid than “Easy Pieces” and in its own subtle way is damn near as good as the sublime “Rattlesnakes.” Lloyd’s first, self-titled, solo record (known as the “X” album because it has a big X slashed across the cover photo) is also wonderful. Both are smart, sad and jangly in just the right measure. After that, it gets a little more uneven, although the record he did with his (perfectly named) band “The Negatives” is quite good. Lloyd’s last couple of records — “Plastic Wood” and “Songs in A Foreign Language” — are more croony and less jangly, and thus less appealing to me.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but if you haven’t read the book by Commotions bassist Lawrence Donnegan called “No News At Throat Lake,” you really ought to. I think you’d love it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671785400/sr=1-4/qid=1146002906/ref=sr_1_4/103-0738706-9307822?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=books

Tom

I’m feeling a little better about things, though probably only because it’s the weekend. And I was able to make myself remember that when I left children’s books, I was still enjoying the work—of everything I’ve ever done, it’s still the thing that brought me the most basic gratification, the strongest sense that I was doing something worthwhile—but I was also bored half to death, and more important, felt like there wasn’t really anyplace new for me to go. No place that I wanted to go, anyway; I could have gone to work for one of the big NYC trade publishers, but that never really appealed to me. Too much hand-holding of authors, not enough real editing. So the grass really isn’t as much greener over there as I fleetingly thought it was last week.

(Last week sure as hell did suck, though.)

And like the recent MLS grad in Marcia’s house, I recently received a glowing review, at bonus time; the more in-depth one coming up next month (with, I hope, a small raise attached) may not be quite so glowing, I fear, but I don’t think I’ll be told an abject failure, either…even though I feel like one. I am keeping a half-open eye on library jobs, though; I’ve thought from the beginning that that might have been the better route for me to take. For all the moaning about it being a dying profession and all that crap, it seems pretty thriving to me, and I suspect it will outlive my retirement age, if nothing else!

But I’m still going to give my current field of work a fair shake, and that means more than a year. Even when I’m feeling utterly inept, the work interests me as much as, maybe more than, anything I’ve ever done, and that’s nothing to treat lightly or to turn away from too quickly.

I love you girls. Thank you for talking me down and for your wise counsel.

But in the event that you can’t shake that feeling and really want to be a children’s book editor again, remember that I am right there with you. I’m “wasting” a Master’s degree in paleontology, and have never regretted it for a moment. I’m proud that I did it, and I’m proud that I’m a freelance writer.

As someone who is currently “wasting” a degree and a half, I have to say that you shouldn’t consider not putting your MLS to use directly in your working life “wasting” it. It is no less of an accomplishment, and whether you “use” it or not in a sense that’s recognizable to anyone else, it’s always there with you, just like that other graduate work you did, always something you should be proud of. And don’t tell me I’m just rationalizing for myself.

That said, you’re probably shortchanging yourself in your lack of confidence. I hear the same sorts of things from the recent MLS grad I live with, and he just got a glowing six-month review. I’m sure you are doing fine at your job, in spite of being behind at the moment.